Tags
3 weeks ago
Showing posts with label Evie Grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Evie Grace. Show all posts
10 April 2011
We spent yesterday together.
Celebrating, picnicking, laughing, wishing, playing, weeping, aching, praising.
And we did it together.
So thankful for the ones and the One who loves us.
Happy 3rd birthday, daughter.
Our loss is your gain and we are just thrilled for you!
07 April 2011
Today marks the third anniversary of the day our baby girl left us for Heaven. I've spent the day remembering all the little details of her life I can - especially the details of the very day she passed away.
I remember exactly where I was sitting in this very house when I felt her kick for the last time. Man, how I want to go sit there again and be able to feel that kick just one more time.
I remember where my feet paced the floor as I talked to my sister on the phone that night, worried that something was definitely wrong.
I remember where I was sitting when Ryan brought me another glass of orange juice as we tried in vain to encourage our baby girl to give us a sign of life.
But what I remember most of all - as we learned the news that our child's life had ended and in the days that would follow, was the knowledge and comfort that our daughter was home!
And on both that day and this day I know without a doubt, that though death is a thief, Heaven is not a consolation prize to life - it's the Grand Prize! Oh, Evie-girl, you are in paradise! And our God, He is so, so good.
Missing our tiny Evie Grace today. Wishing she were here. Feeling the sting of death in our home as her absence is pronounced on what would be her third birthday this coming Saturday. And praising Jesus for conquering death once and for all, making available to all who believe - the hope of Heaven!
"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever."
Revelation 22:1-5
05 March 2011
Tonight I am overwhelmed.
I have spent the last forty-five minutes pulling and piling fabrics, trying to find just the right combination of colors and patterns for Hazel's first birthday banner.
And as I stood there puzzling over greys and pinks and yellows and blues, furrowing my brow trying to find just the right festive-yet-girly combination, I realized that the banner really wasn't why I was overwhelmed at all.
"Nothing will do. Nothing is good enough. This is Hazel's first birthday and absolutely no fabric combination will capture the joy of this moment."
Silly yes. Really, very silly. I know.
But after that crazy, fleeting thought, I remembered the last time I felt that way - the last time I had a very similar thought: It was the day we buried Evie.
I remember standing at the florist shop, belly still swollen from giving birth only days earlier, insistent that I had to pick just the right flowers to lay on her grave. They needed to say "I love you helplessly", "I miss you desperately", "I'll always be your Mama" and "goodbye, precious daughter" all in one fistful of foliage.
I had one chance to get this right. And none of the flowers in the whole shop were good enough for my baby or for that moment. None of them would do. None of them were pretty enough or delicate enough or perfect enough. And yet, the decision couldn't wait. How can a Mama communicate a lifetime's worth of love and nurturing into a simple bundle of stems and petals?
Nothing can. It's a helpless feeling.
But now, I DO get to give something to my Hazel. I get to show her my love in word and in deed and even with a birthday banner! And I know that when her big day comes, my thoughts will only be on her and the joy the Lord has brought.
But tonight, I can't help but long for my Evie-girl. I ache for the chance to make her a banner. To give her something - anything more than that one silly bouquet. I want to make her a cake and light a single candle and watch her make a mess of it.
We're realizing now more than ever - as we experience so many precious firsts with our sweet Hazel - that we've lost more than we even imagined with our Evie. All the pink, all the dresses, the girly smiles and the sweetness that only a daughter can bring to a family. And, all the firsts. The birthdays. The graduations. The wedding. The babies.
I gleefully and gratefully celebrate the year that God has given us with our Hazel. And, we anticipate with hope many MANY birthday celebrations to come. But tonight, I am feeling the sting of death. I am feeling the loss of the first birthday party that I didn't get to plan for our Evie. And it hurts. Man, it hurts.
Missing my little "Life of Grace" tonight.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
23 January 2011
Today is an important day.
It's an important day to many people because it is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday, but it carries special meaning for our family because it is also the third anniversary of the day our lives changed forever.
We know that God creates each of our children with a purpose. And we know that that purpose is to bring Him glory and to enjoy Him forever. Three years ago today (I cannot believe it's been three years already!) we arrived at our ultrasound appointment, 20 weeks pregnant and hoping to catch a glimpse of our sweet baby. But we got more than that. Our sovereign God gave us the first small glimpse of what he was going to do in our lives - of how he was working out His plan in our daughter's life, and in her death.
We learned that the baby I carried in my womb was not going to be what we expected. We learned that God had lovingly made her heart with only two chambers. She only needed two chambers to do what he made her to do. We learned that her life would be short. We learned to love hard and fast and like every day was a gift.
A year after Evie's diagnosis I shared the video footage of the ultrasound from that day. On that first anniversary we chose not to focus on death, but on the precious life that was still somersaulting inside of me just one year ago. I love to watch that video and remember her alive and kicking - she was a feisty one!
What a lovely day to observe, as a nation, the Sanctity of Human Life, and to give thanks to the One Who shapes each of us as He sees fit to carry out His perfect will.
Thanks be to God for the life that he gives!
In an effort to observe this day and what it stands for, I would love for you all to share your little lives-to-be-celebrated here with me. If you or someone you love has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or infant loss, I want to invite you to name that child here (write anonymously if you'd like). They are a part of the Plan, and their lives - however brief they may have been - give glory to our Maker.
They LIVED, friends! And because of the hope of the cross, we can one day worship our Creator alongside these little ones that we love and miss.
19 November 2010
So, not only has Oliver been asking a lot of questions about pregnancy and childbirth lately, but he's also initiated several conversations recently about death and Heaven.
He is absolutely enamored with the idea of Heaven and living in the presence of God, and has been for some time now. To him, Earth feels like a cheap imitation of Heaven. He's so anxious to get on to the good part.
Funny how a 4-year-old can have it so right sometimes.
Our conversations usually take place in the van. (Seems like he does his best thinking in there for some reason.) And they typically go something like this:
O: But Mom, (it usually begins with "but" which signals to me that he's been mulling something silently for a while) when will I get to go to Heaven?
Me: Hm... We don't know when you'll go to Heaven, baby. Remember how we talked about that everyone is born and everyone dies? We have an idea of when people will be born, but only God knows exactly when and how. It's the same thing with dying. Usually people die when they're old, but sometimes they die when they're young.
O: Like Evie Grace? She died when she was a baby.
Me: Yes, sweetie. Like Evie Grace. She got to go to Heaven early! Think how wonderful it must be for her up there with Jesus and all the other people that are in Heaven that love her! It must be so beautiful for her!
O: But I want to go to Heaven now too!
Me: Oh, Oliver, not yet! Right now, you get to be alive! God is giving you a very special gift today. Today you get to be alive and you get to give Him glory here and be with Mommy and Daddy and Hazel. We can be so excited for our turn to go to Heaven, but we can also be thankful that we are alive on Earth. Heaven something wonderful to look forward to!
O: And I can meet Evie Grace?
Me: Yes, you can meet Evie Grace. What do you think she will look like, baby?
And the conversation goes on... We imagine our sweet girl. We talk about how she's Oliver's little sister and Hazel's big sister. We wonder together if she looks like Hazel and what it will be like to hold her and hug her. We talk about how old she would be if she were still alive and imagine happily what life would be like with two sisters.
These conversations aren't usually sad ones (at least not for Oliver, and I never let on). Other times though, I have had to explain to him that even though death is a happy moment for the person who gets to be with Jesus, it is sad for the people that will miss them. We talk about how much I would miss Oliver if he was in Heaven but how excited I would be that he was there. Just like Evie.
------------
One recent and similar talk we had made me realize that perhaps it was time to explain things to him just a little further. This is how it went:
O: But how will I get to Heaven? (again with the "but" at the beginning of a thought. He must just roll this stuff around in his head, trying to grasp it all.)
Me: Oliver, you know how we have talked about that we all have spirits?
O: Uh huh.
Me: Well when we die, if we love Jesus, our spirit goes to Heaven to live with Him. But do you know that our bodies stay here on Earth? Like when a person dies, if they love Jesus, their spirit goes to Heaven and their body stays here and we bury it. That's what cemeteries are for. It's where we bury the people that we love. Do you know that Evie Grace's little body is buried in a cemetery not far from here? It has a stone that says her name and everything!
O: (he just giggles at the thought of her sudden tangibility)
Me: Baby, would you like me to take you to see where Evie Grace is buried? You can see her name written and if you want, we can go pick out some flowers for you to give to her.
O: (Another giggle) Yes! When can we?
It's funny to me that in all the times he's come along with us to visit her grave, he's never been interested or made the connection about what we were doing. He's known her name and a little bit about her, but Oliver was only 18 months old when she was stillborn. He's learned about her in age-appropriate doses for the past two and a half years, and now this older brother was ready to pay his respects.
This was a big moment. One that I though his Daddy should be in on. So, rather than turning the van immediately in the direction of the cemetery that day, we planned that we'd go on the weekend.
------------
Oliver took his time and carefully picked out the perfect flowers for his baby sister. (And boy did he take his time... sheesh!) He played with them all the way to the cemetery and chatted happily about things in his own 4-year-old - sometimes shocking or irreverent - way. (As we pulled into the cemetery his big first question was, "Where will I get to be buried?!!")
When we parked, he quickly unclipped, jumped out of the van, slung the flowers over his shoulder and asked us to point him in the right direction.
This was not a sad visit for him. He was so excited about the tangibility of a burial place. (Perhaps too excited. We had to quickly teach him a bit of etiquette about jumping on all the grave makers. My apologies.)
We found Evie's special place and took the existing flowers out of her vase so that Oliver could replace them with the ones that he picked out.
Because he's so interested in letters and what they spell right now, he wanted to read every letter on her headstone and find out what it said. He was so giggly when he read that her last name was the same as his.
As we sat there we talked about death and life and Evie Grace and Heaven. I asked him where Evie's spirit was and he answered, "Heaven!" And I asked him where her body was and he pointed in the direction of her grave. Then I asked him where his spirit and his body are and it took him a moment before she smiled and slapped his hands on his chest.
I told him that it was a happy thing to be in Heaven but it's also a very happy thing when your body and spirit are together. That means you're alive! "Oliver, you're ALIVE!!!"
The thought of it overtook him and he threw his arms in the air and took off running and skipping all around the graves.
He was rejoicing in the life God had given him today.
For a moment I worried that his flitting about would be disrespectful, like he was rubbing it in to all the children who were not alive that he still had life. But I know that was not his intent at all. He was just so glad. (Again, leave it to a 4-year-old to turn a place of mourning into a place of dancing!) To be honest, it made us all feel like dancing!
We spent some time enjoying the lovely fall afternoon and being near to our baby girl, if only her body. We want the kids to feel comfortable here. We want them to ask questions as they arise and understand death and what it means - as best as any of us can. We want them to know that death is a thief and life is a gift. And that Heaven awaits them because of Jesus' own death and resurrection.
We want them to know about their sister. We don't want to bring them sadness, but I really don't think that's the case. They're comfortable here.
I'm so grateful that we have been able to naturally and gradually talk with Oliver about some of the biggest (and in many ways, hardest) truths that life has to offer. While Ryan and I certainly felt the sting of death that evening as we packed the kids back up in the van, leaving one behind in the cool fall air with nothing but a helpless goodbye kiss, our little Oliver's spirit of joy reminded us of the hope that is Heaven and the gift of life that is ours for His glory.
---------
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:1-4
08 April 2010
Yesterday was a hard day for us. It marked 2 years since our Evie went to heaven from inside my womb.
It's a difficult day for me because I still remember clearly those last movements up high in my tummy. I remember thinking to myself that they were significant - that I would be wise to take notice and appreciate them. I am so glad that I did. I'm grateful to have these memories - so grateful to the Lord for every memory I have of our Evie girl. And yet, having such clear memories of that day is also difficult. I know what time it was and where I was, and how my afternoon and evening proceeded from there.
As the clock counts the hours and minutes of the day I can't help but recall what I was doing at this time two years ago... planting flowers, cleaning the porch fan, playing with Oliver in the yard, sitting at the computer while Oliver rested...
And then she said goodbye.
And all the moments after that... worrying and waiting for another movement, making phone calls, telling Ryan what I thought had happened, and heading to Nashville to confirm our fear.
April 7th is a hard day to relive. Harder in many ways than the 9th -the day we finally said hello and goodbye to Evie. It's complicated that it's a three-day anniversary, but they are all a part of the story God wrote for her and we grieve and are comforted each day differently as we remember what the Lord has done. His timing is perfect and his ways are perfect.
Yesterday was no exception to this.
As I was missing my Evie girl yesterday afternoon, the UPS man arrived at our door with a package. And it was filled with something amazingly beautiful...
And I was reminded of His great goodness.
It's been two long years since our Evie left this earth. Two years of breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other. Two years of God's faithfulness to our family. And two years of His comfort in our pain.
And on the day we grieve the Earthly loss of our baby girl, we received an announcement at our door, reminding us of God's faithfulness, great love for us, and continued blessing on our family.
(Well, really two announcements, because I'm terrible at making decisions
when there are so many lovely choices...)
Holding these cards in my hands, yesterday of all days, announcing the birth and life of a healthy daughter was a tangible reminder that our God is a good and loving God. And, He is the same good and loving God this week as we was two years ago at this same time. He has not changed.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:17
In the early weeks and months of my pregnancy with Hazel I battled a great deal with fear and worry. A dear friend encouraged me to surround myself with God's promises and I took that exhortation quite literally. I claimed scriptures, printing them and posting them in prominent places in my home. I had Psalms on the refrigerator, hymns by my sink in the bathroom, and this passage from Psalm 27 on my dresser:
"I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:13,14
And now, two years after we said goodbye to our precious Evie Grace, and in the meantime consecrated two more precious tiny babes to our Father, we are reminded of His great love for us. Not to replace Evie Grace or to fulfill our desire for her (for that desire will never be fully satisfied on Earth), but to fulfill our desire for more children - and for a daughter to care for on this Earth. Our desire for our Hazel - she is here!
Isn't it amazing the way the Lord works? Sometimes in very subtle, almost indiscernible ways, and sometimes, by sending a man in brown to your doorstep with an in-our-face reminder of what God has done and is doing in our lives. And today, as our family reflects on God's constant presence and work in our lives, I am reminded of the verse He gave me that first time I visited Evie's grave site, and I claim it once again:
"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands."
Psalm 138:8
He was not finished with us in Evie's death, and He is not finished with us in Hazel's life. He will continue to fulfill His purpose for me.
Lord, do not forsake the work of your hands!
...............................................................................................
On a much lighter note, I'd like to express a huge and sincere thanks to Tiny Prints for printing those absolutely fabulous birth announcements that were such an encouragement to me yesterday. We are so pleased. So many gorgeous choices, it took me forever to decide (hence only being able to narrow it down to 2 styles...)
Not only do they have great designs and gorgeous finished products, they also have a neat option for busy families. Get this: You can upload your address book to their website, place your order, and they will address AND ship your cards directly to everyone in your address book for you! Seriously.
Thank you for doing beautiful work.
18 January 2010
Our sweet Evie girl lived 212 days from her conception to her death.
212 short but precious days.
212 days we will never forget.
212 days that will shape us forever.
212 days we sometimes wish so badly we could have back, if just for a moment.
212 gifts from her sovereign Father to her and to us.
We would say there were too few, but the truth is, there weren't. She lived not a day too many or a day too few. Our sovereign Lord ordained these days for her before the mountains were born and before He formed the seas.
Still, we ache for more. And, we ache to have those days back again. And we find comfort in the innumerable days we have ahead with her in paradise.
Tomorrow, by the grace of God, our precious baby Hazel will live her 212th day.
We will encounter the day in this pregnancy that we said goodbye to Evie Grace in that pregnancy.
It is a milestone.
It's a happy milestone. Perhaps a little bittersweet as we remember the events that unfolded in those days then.
But mostly, it's a day to celebrate God's gift to Hazel.
And so is day 213 and 214 and every single day that God gives to her.
These days are precious. Every one of them. And because we have tasted the grief that comes when the days stop, we are all the more aware of the sanctity of each day we and the ones that we love are given.
The Lord has blessed our family abundantly! Tomorrow, our Hazel will live her 212th day! And in total, He has given to Ryan, Oliver and me 21,211 days!
They're not just numbers. They're gifts! Like talents to be sown!
Teach us to number our days, oh Lord!
To give thanks to you for our daily gift of breath and to use it for your glory!
"Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.
Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
You turn men back to dust,
saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men."
For a thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
You sweep men away in the sleep of death;
they are like the new grass of the morning-
though in the morning it springs up new,
by evening it is dry and withered.
We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.
You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.
The length of our days is seventy years—
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
Who knows the power of your anger?
For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.
May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands."
Psalm 90
03 December 2009
We received our first Christmas card of the season today.
It was addressed:
"Dear Ryan, Raechel, Oliver and Hazel,"
What a sight!
It made me really happy to see our names all in order together!
And I was okay with it - it didn't make me sad - it made me really glad!
I don't worry that Evie's not included. I know Evie doesn't need Christmas cards either.
She gets the best end of the deal - she is with Christ!
Anyway, it was fun to see our little family all written out. Like a little Christmas present!
Merry Christmas!
02 December 2009
10 bits of interest from the Myers home this week:
1. I had a midwife appointment today. It went really well! I am measuring exactly where I should be and Ryan had no trouble finding Hazel's heartbeat on the dopplar. She moved quite a bit once he found her (as she has proven that she is prone to do!), but she sounds healthy and happy and we are just pleased as pie!
2. My appointment was in the exam room. The one where my midwife told us that Evie had passed. I knew that someday we'd probably have to go in that room again, but I didn't expect it today. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. It helped that some of the furniture had been moved around. It also helped that the appointment went so well with lots of good news. I have so many memories from the short time we spent in that room. Time helps. Furniture rearranging helps. It still hurts though.
3. We set up Hazel's crib last week. Pretty early, I know. We set it up in an effort to make it feel more real that this time a baby is actually coming home. I'm very used to being pregnant - but I've only ever brought one baby home. I really have a surprisingly hard time remembering sometimes that this pregnancy is actually going to end in a living, breathing, crying, eating, healthy baby! It's not just going to end and be over. This time it's just the beginning!
(sorry the lighting isn't great -
I just took the photo a few minutes ago and it's dark here at 4:38...)
4. Setting up the crib was exciting. We even put some tiny clothes in there and one small diaper - it's fun to see these little things and it really helps me focus on our Hazel.
5. I also completed my quilt this weekend! Can I just shout out a serious thank you to all of y'all who helped me out with tips and suggestions and such? Seriously. I'm so grateful! It went well and I have to say that maybe my favorite part was the hand stitching on the binding. It was really satisfying!
6. I made a book wreath this weekend too using this online tutorial. Yes, this does mean I destroyed two books (I chose The Great Gatsby and Dr. Zhivago). But, feel like maybe "destroy" is too strong a word. Shall we say, "repurposed"? Anyway, I didn't want some trashy novel wreath hanging on my wall. This way, you can actually look at the wreath and remember bits from The Great Gatsby! (I've never read Dr. Zhivago - I just had to use it because I rand out of TGG and needed another book the same size.) It was a fun project!
7. When I tried to feed Oliver ravioli at Buca di Beppo last night he emphatically reported, "I do not like rock-n-rolli!"
8. A friend of mine asked me to make two more Ragamuffin Skirts for her nieces for Christmas. I had to say yes (partly because they're adorable!) and I'm enjoying the fun project. Brings back fond skirt-making memories. :)
9. Ryan is in the kitchen making dinner while I write this. I believe he's making Lemon Chicken Piccata from Ina Garten's cookbook. I married a pretty good guy!
10. We are LOVING getting into this Advent season. We've had fun this year digging into older or lesser known Advent traditions and giving them a try. For example, we are celebrating for the first time this year Klopfelnacte or "Knocking Night". On the 4 Thursday evenings during Advent our family will be going from door to door visiting our friends and neighbors in a sort of opposite of Trick-or-Treat manner giving gifts, food and such away. Tomorrow is our first night and we're really looking forward to it!
Digging into these older traditions has been a really fun way to help prepare ourselves and our hearts for Christmas and to keep our focus where it should be this season.
Alright, that's my 10 bits!
Oh, and for a bonus, here I am on Sunday at 25 weeks!
Can't see much of the belly with my cardigan on, but you can definitely tell it's there!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)