02 April 2009

A sweet friend of mine pointed out to me yesterday that I haven't been writing much lately - at least nothing substantial.

She's right. I haven't.

We talked about it a bit and I think I realized why. So much of what I write on this blog is about our baby girl - what I remember about her and her short life, what I miss about her, and how I try my best to function on days when I feel much more like staying in bed.

The thing is, I suppose I've become a bit self-conscious about it all at this point. It has been nearly a year now, and it's honestly still what's on my mind - what I want to talk about. I'm just afraid to do that anymore because I'm afraid of what people will think. (I know, that's stupid and I sound like a 3rd grader!) I'm scared that people will be annoyed that I am not "over it" yet, that it's been a year and I need to move on. I guess I should give y'all more credit than that, shouldn't I?

A big piece of my heart is still with Evie. It may always be that way.

So, thanks to you, B, for reminding me that it's my blog and I can cry if I want to! :) I don't know when I'll be ready to write about what's going on in my heart and head at this time. Reliving this 4th month of the year was bound to happen, but boy is it difficult. For now, I'll just ask you all for your prayer support. And, I can be comforted to remember, in the words of my new best friend Nancy Guthrie, "deep sadness and deep faith can coesixt".


And now, for my latest installment of "Way Back Whensday"! This week, I invited y'all to share photos of where you were 7 years ago at this time. (That'd be April 2002.)

Can I also just share that I have totally considered putting up a Mr. Linky for Way Back Whensday, but I'm just not sure I can handle the rejection if no one uses it! I know, I'm a nut. Would y'all like to be linked from here? Is anyone out there enjoying Way Back Whensday?

Okay, to begin, I believe with all my heart that these are the two most important photos I can share right now. Christine and I lived down the hall from one another in Williams Hall freshman year. It's hard to remember exactly what we were doing or why, but all I can remember is there was a small nook in the wall, and we wanted to see if we could squeeze in and have our photo taken. The big joke was that 'Stine was pretty sure everything but her ghetto booty would fit. I loved freshman year!

Apart from that little moment in Raechel & Christine history, I have a few other photos from that time to share.

For spring break that year Ryan and I flew down to Florida to visit our friends Mark and Megan (who were also LCS high school sweethearts and are now married as well!). Here are a few photos from that trip (probably why I was so tan in the photo above with Christine).

You may be able to see here a nickel on a leather cord around Ryan's neck. There's a great story behind that nickel. Remind me to tell it sometime.

This may not have been spring of '02, I can't remember. But, I love this picture because the guy in the tiger suit is smiling for the picture. It's just funny because when there's a camera and somebody says "smile!", it's just instinct!

Here's our official engagement photo. We were SO happy! (Still are, for the record!)

And, as I'm looking at these again, I am realizing that they're from spring of 2003. Marcie, Christine and I found a nest of baby bunnies that had been abandoned. We snuck them into our apartment and took care of them for a week or so. We even took them into WalMart with us, bought infant formula and baby bottles (what were we thinking??) and eventually decided to sneak food from salad bar in the cafeteria for them. We eventually had a bunny farewell across the street at Perry Farms (when the photos were taken). What can I say, were were mothers at heart!

That's all for this week. I'd love to hear your suggestions for a good "Way Back Whensday" theme for next week. Leave me a comment if you have an idea!


Tracy said...

Rae- you know I'd link you. lol. what about high school year book pictures for a theme? or bad hair do's?

You know, grief is so personal. There's no time limit for when you should be "over-it". In fact, I don't think anyone ever gets "over-it", do you? I, for one, feel encouraged reading about Evie. It makes me feel less alone...

Susan Graham said...

I, for one, would never want you to write less about Evie. Writing about her helps to keep her memory alive and for those of us who never met her, your writing helps us keep her memory alive too. Love you and thinking of you during this hard time.

4cunninghams said...

I'd link! I love way back whensday (even though I can never spell it the first time). I'm a day late on it, but I'm working on locating pictures...not sure if I have any loaded on my computer or not.

I think it's good for you to write about Evie here. While I haven't experienced anything like that, I feel that blogging can be therapeutic for me. I don't think Evie will ever be less a part of your heart because she was your baby.

4cunninghams said...

Wedding or engagement pictures could be a good theme for Way Back Whensday sometime. I always love looking at wedding pictures!

Christine said...

Can I just say, I'm so glad I was able to provide such fabulous pants for us? I would NEVER choose such intense patterns now, but they really took the cake then. Thanks for bringing back so many wonderful memories.

Also, I wonder if that mama bunny took her babies back. I hope so.

Was that Eric whats-his-face in the Tiger suit, btw?

And you know how I feel about Evie. I love her, too. I always want to hear how you're holding up. And I am a blog stalker, also, so I love updates, no matter how sad or introspective they may be. It's your blog!

Christine said...

AND I would use Mr. Linky. But I might need a reminder. I keep forgetting!!

Jackson said...

I love your blog, Raechel. I, too, love reading about Evie. I really never thought about losing a baby until I read your posts about your losses. Your writing is achingly beautiful.I know it is helpful to you to write about her, but it has also really helped me to minister to the moms I see at work who lose their babies. Thanks for the glimpse into your life.

Changing subjects: I updated my blog today and you should read it if you have time. I think I got bumped off your blog roll (not sure that's what it's called) because I post so rarely. Hope it gives you a laugh!