I honestly never know when it's appropriate to share these kinds of things. I wish there was a magic formula or rule of thumb, but to my knowledge, there isn't.
I am pregnant.
I really want to punctuate that with an exclamation point, but there is honestly just so much fear surrounding it right now, I'm too scared to allow myself to get too excited.
I do know that whatever happens, it is something grand, something worth being excited about no matter how long it lasts. I have life inside of me. Precious life. That is a miracle and to be celebrated.
Thank you, Lord.
Ryan and I drove to Nashville yesterday morning for an ultrasound and we just aren't sure what to make of the results. Please bear in mind as I tell you all of this that it's possible that whatever conclusions I draw or commentary I give is probably at lease somewhat influenced by all the crazy medicine I am taking to support the pregnancy. Progesterone (a.k.a. "crazy pills") in particular can be some nasty, anxiety-inflicting stuff.
So can Satan.
I had some spotting while we were in Chicago last week and a little bit of cramping right after we got home. Because of this, I went in to the ultrasound yesterday confidently informing the excited person who checked me in that it was unfortunately not going to be good news and that I was so sorry to disappoint her.
As the procedure began the technician cheerfully pointed out to us the various parts of the pregnancy (the baby, the yolk sac, etc.). She said it was too early to see the heartbeat yet and that we'd have to wait a few more weeks for that.
Here's the thing. (Really, here's where my over-active, emotionally-scarred mind goes to work.) I was supposed to be 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant yesterday. By all measurements, the pregnancy is measuring only 5 weeks and 3 days. Naturally, a heartbeat is not to be expected at this size. From this information I feel like there are 3 possible scenarios:
The baby is healthy, my dates are off, and a follow-up ultrasound in a few weeks will show a heartbeat and consistent growth.
The baby has passed away about 5 days ago and hasn't, of course, grown since then.
The baby is still alive and growing, just measuring about 5 days small. This is exactly how things began for us with Evie. Every time we had an ultrasound her measurements were small, so they continued to move back my due date (they moved it a total of 3 weeks before they knew that there was something wrong). Could this baby be sick too?
I called my midwife in the afternoon and told her all about everything that happened (certain that this was cause for great alarm and expecting panic or at least serious concern from her end of the line). She wasn't concerned at all. She was thrilled to hear that the yolk sac and things looked healthy and said that anything within 5 days of the expected due date is "right on track". I was ready to throw my hands up, but she was excited and said that she feels really good about how things are going.
Linda also explained that the spotting can be normal and it's great that it's stopped. The cramping likely happened because of the climate change we experienced returning from Chicago. Who knew?
I am trying with everything in me not to be terrified right now, but it's a real struggle. Pregnancies don't go well for me, except for that one time two years ago. But, as a rule, they just don't. I want to believe that things are fine, that some of the trouble I'm experiencing is even psychosomatic and I really might have a healthy baby in October.
Why can't I believe that?
I don't really have any kind of tidy wrap-up for this post. I wrote it not even sure if I'd actually publish it. But, I suppose that if I'm willing to spill my guts about my grief with Evie, I may as well just keep spilling. Truth is, we haven't really even told anyone we're pregnant yet. I guess this gets the word out, doesn't it?
The bottom line is that we really need your prayers right now. You all have walked with us through some very difficult times and you have been wonderful, supportive prayer warriors and friends. That's why I'm publishing this, even though it feels like writing it down is actually admitting that I'm really scared.
I can't do this alone.
My friend Karen reminded me of this verse this morning: